Life is easy

If you knew the battles I face every day you would disagree with this title. I want to disagree with this title, but the truth is my life is only hard because I made it so. I look back and I feel disgusted and embarrassed with who I used to be.

I look at other people and I think about all the wrong moves I made. I wonder how did my thinking get so screwed up. How did I go so long without noticing that I was so out of touch with reality? When I get into these thought patterns they usually end with me wanting to blow my brains out. Then I feel guilty for wanting to leave my son alone when I know how much he needs me. I find a little comfort in the fact that I'm not the only one who just wants to end the endless suffering that is life.  I keep from doing it because I see how selfish and pointless it is to end it that way. 

I often think about Twitch from the Elen show. He was loved by thousands, but after he took his own life the world barely broke its stride. The only people affected were the people that loved him. I guess I identified with him. He seemed like such a great, fun-loving, successful black man. But he also wanted out of the suffering. I wish I knew what his suffering was, I want to understand. His family is so beautiful. I'll never forget him.

I always told myself I would never end my own life because it always gets better. I still live by that, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't have moments where I challenged that philosophy. At this moment I feel like things are getting better. I don't want to die, I just realize it's the easy way out of suffering. I'm here for the long run. I promise.